Am trying the butterfly effect thing cause I keep getting really stressy

So this weekend has been the worst I’ve felt in months. Firstly I need to get rid of a few misconceptions. Depression isn’t just feeling a bit sad. It is utterly crippling and debilitating. When I say I’ve had an episode I don’t mean I cried a bit and felt down, I mean I literally cannot cope with day to day activities. I mean every fibre of my being wants to give up, shut down and never move again. I have been fighting depression for as long as I can consciously remember. And I truly mean that, when I was six or seven I, in many ways felt exactly the same as I do now. 

Some of you may know that I’ve been on medication for a while now and its really helped me. It has changed me life. But on Tuesday I ran out of meds and couldn’t get an appointment to see me GP. I thought it was something I could handle. I was wrong. 

On Friday I woke up feeling so unmotivated and sad I couldn’t get out of bed. I finally did after being asked to meet some friends. I had a shower and tired to get dressed. This proved too much. I know it sounds ridiculous to an outsider but trying on everything you own, doing and taking off your make up four times till you eventually have scrubbed your face red, is what resulted in my crumpling on the floor an absolute wreck. I couldn’t breath, couldn’t stop crying and couldn’t begin to understand how I was ever going to get up. I was picked up by some of my amazing friends and they dealt with me. I continued to breakdown throughout the day to the point when them trying to get me to eat something caused me to hysterically cry for what felt like a lifetime. 

After going and crying at a receptionist I was giving a perscription and advised never to get to a point where I completely ran out again.

This weekend has showed me two things, 1. that I do still need help and there are things I’m going to have to deal with eventually and 2. that once again I have some amazing friends who really are just there for me and don’t mind when I fail to hide the crazy. 

I hope this post will explain to a few people what’s been going on with me, and that you’ll bare with me whilst I get my shit together.